Motor Trend “ Make some noise “ Pontiac return add
Lets start with the text
“Pontiac fans, it's been a weird 15 years since we left, hasn't it? Now, we can't definitively say that Pontiac's absence influenced the events we all have been through, but c'mon. Caffeine comes out of Four Loko, and now
it's in lemonade? Everything on the road looks like an Aztek now?
You need us. America needs us. The future needs us. So Pontiac is back.
Our first model is a hybrid. Surprised? Well, it uses a battery and an electric motor to start a 667-hp supercharged 372-cubic-inch V-8. And we think you're going to want one, because what else are you going to do? You can't buy a new Dodge Challenger and leave the splitter guards on anymore. Don't worry, we've got you—-our new car's
entire front end is a splitter guard. At Pontiac, we're here to offer a future filled with V-8s, great sounds, gold pinstripes, and window louvers. And
if someone shouts "Last call," we'll just smuggle in some Coors from Colorado and keep the party going.”
Sadly, some might say Heartbreakingly this masterpiece of automotive propaganda had fine print. Here it is
“DISCLAIMER: Do you need to be told that this advertisement is fake and not to be taken seriously? Our lawyers think you do.”
When it comes to automotive spoofs before this I would have said the top two that come to mind are The Steve Stanford April fools Hot Rod magazine published featuring The return of AMC article. In which Mr. Stanford did a complete product line reimagining for an AMC return. If you haven’t seen it I cant recommend it enough. It was convincing enough that it was even reported on the news at the time Id go so far to say that the majority of the designs featured not only hold up but would be well received if made today. Not that it should come as any surprise Steve Stanford is after all the GOAT.
The other was an add featured in a movie called Crazy people, the spoof add of coarse is the accurate “Volvo, Boxy but good,” I put this one in as #2 as I still here people saying it that have no idea what the reference is from. Its just… well a true statement.
Have there been others, yes but when I think of spoof adds those and now this Pontiac add are the ones I will think of first. Who ever is responsible for this add copy really does deserve a raise and a cushy job offer from GM.
I should probably end this article here but….
After getting over it being a fake. I couldn’t help wondering if I was in charge of Pontiacs return what would my line up look like? Pontiac has long been GMs alternate budget performance division. Something GM sorely needs in its portfolio again.
My starting points might surprise you.
My first call would be to Mr. Toyoda. Now, I doubt he would be down but this is dream time right? We are spinning what ifs and wouldn’t it be cools here. So pie in the sky dream line up for a new Pontiac we are gonna need a entry level shocker and GM current las nothing that fits the bill.
The entry level ride, Grand Am
I would first exercise Pontiac’s history with Toyota. Get the designers clay flying on an aggressively body kitted Pontiac version of the Corolla including the GR! Every Pontiac needs a complete ripper version and the Carola certainly fits the bill. Toyota is highly unlikely to want to share the AWD wonder that is the Carola GR but in the interest of keeping things “cost effective” maybe they’d let Pontiac offer a FWD only version of the GRs amazingly powerful turbo 3. Call it a Grand Am and make the engine available in hatch and sedan yes maybe even a small wagon form. I would even see about a lifted version of the wagon to give it crossover SUV ish vibes but lean safari instead of rock crawler.
The middle, Grand Prix
Pontiac wouldn’t be Pontiac without a larger mid/ full size offering. Id keep the theme going with.a coupe, sedan and wagon. The Grand Prix name plate has long done the heavy lifting for Pontiac as such it deserves to be something special. If possible id save money and development time by using the Australians tooling for the Holden. Sure they did that with the G8 and SS both received incredibly high priase but GM dropped the ball picky by not getting out the word on wither. This time would be different. How? In Australia The Holden was available in coupe (GTO here in the states) the sedan (G8 and later chevy ss sedan) and what we never got was the wagon or the UTE. Oh we are dreaming so we are getting all that shit!! Update the styling nd lighting with previously typical Pontiac swagger. Re issue a entry level V6 and mid range V8 and supercharged V8 versions of each. Coupe, Sedan with the grand pro names do a dual badging of Grand Price Safari on the wagon and call the UTE either the EL Catalina after the actual concept Pontiac El camino concept or lean on GMCs Cablero name for their production version of the El camino. I think going Cabelero would be the move since Pontiacs are traditionally sold via GMC dealers and while I would keep it badged Pontiac I think it would be a nice nod to the shared showroom space.
The Shocker. The Halo car, Code named Project El Cheapo!!
Resurrecting a brand like Pontiac is a delicate thing. If it cant be done right it ain't worth doing.
To justify allowing this particular Phoenix to rise I’d want something really special. Something the new Pontiac could not only build real excitement around. It would need to be truly unique and dare I say culture shifting. Something that would sell like the original Mustang, Something that Pontiac could capitalize on via a budding accessory and aftermarket business as well.
I would do this by doing something GM and American companies in general seem to have forgotten how to do. Thankfully there are examples out there. This time I would be looking at both Toyota and Citroens playbooks yes Citroen. Toyota with the IMV 0 and the original Scion brand. Citroen with the Ami.
What do I mean? Well Id find the penny pinchingest jerk buried deep in the bowls of GM bureaucracy and put them in charge of the purse strings Find the best engineer possible and then hire two burly mechanics to approve all of his designs. Alternator buried under a bunch of other stuff WHACK!! Have to remove break calipers to change pads POW! Cant get to a bolt because its to close to something else and there’s no other access SMASH!! The goal? Building the cheapest most reliable, most self service friendly entry level car ever made. I’d like to take inspiration from the Citroen AMI. Though that might be a tall order. On the AMI the front and rear pieces are interchangeable. Like the drivers side door GREAT cause guess what we only make one door and its mounted on the passenger side as well. Sure that parts a stretch but the Toyota IMV 0 can be build for $15k I don't see why a non load hauling commuter couldn’t as well.
Styling wise I would be shooting for something akin to the original Scion XB. I would be pushing for maximum economy out of a ICE engine maximum interior space and ease of self repair and ease of customization would be primary focuses. Just when this impossible dream seems completely un reasonable a sub $20k price tag would be a non negotiable limit on the two wheel drive. Maybe bump it to $25k for an AWD. Price gouging would be punishable by death.
I would lean on Toyotas Scion roll out model heavily. Giving early versions to well known customizers and leaning on SEMA to get after market parts ready on day one. I would get a team together throwing owner parties at key market theme parks national parks and the like to build community and enthusiasm for the brand. Think of what made mini trucks and Volkswagens so great and their enthusiast base so rabidly loyal. Accessibility to the masses and while this claim may be tenuous for the beetle mini trucks are still renowned for their shocking reliability.
I think that trio would be a hell of a start to a comeback. What do you guys think?
James
The Lowered HMFIC
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